The Family

 I understand how much struggle a family goes through. I have been very blessed with a good family; loving parents and caring siblings. I have many wonderful memories with each family member and with the family as a whole.

However, we have not been spared from family struggles, especially the pains of divorce. After 6 years, one of my siblings is still fighting through the residual effects of divorce and child custody ordeals. After remarrying, my sibling is now an active and involved parent of a "blended family." While being part of a blended family might lead to more difficulties in the family life, are there any benefits to a blended family? Or rather, what good can come from remarrying and joining families together? What can be done to help ease the struggles that naturally come from blended families?

One benefit for joining multiple families together is the amount of loving adults in child's life. Instead of having the typical 4 grandparents, the child(ren) now have 6 caring grandparents. The amount of aunts and uncles and cousins increase. Though they may not be blood-related, they can still be considered family and learn to love the child(ren) that are especially hurting because of the divorce their parents went through.

Of course, this only makes a difference to the child(ren) if the adults have the right attitude and mindset. One of the most important things to remember, for any marriage not just blended families, is that your mindset and way you think can affect the outcome. If I tell myself my marriage is lame, then it will be lame. If I tell myself that my marriage is wonderful, then it will be wonderful. This applies to any part of our life, but family is a huge part of life. If we remarry and are struggling with connecting with our non-biological kids, it will help to change the way we talk and think about them. Instead of acting like a connected parent, try taking on the role of a cool aunt or uncle. Don't be so controlling, but be a somewhat influential and caring adult in their life. It also helps to be patient. Consciously work on being patient. Don't get upset or agitated if things don't seem "normal" after marriage. It usually takes about two years for things to return to a sort of "normalcy" after the remarriage. This allows for everyone to experience two Christmases, two birthdays for each person, two of everything together. So, don't be afraid or impatient if things aren't feeling normal after a few months. Things won't ever be the same, of course, but with the right mindset, things can even be better than what they once were for both families involved.

I hope that families, especially those that are struggling with divorce, can recognize the blessings that come from the family. Studies show that 70% of divorced people said they could have and should have saved their marriage. We all go through struggles both as individuals and as whole families. I hope that couples and families can realize their strength to save their marriage. There are the exceptions when abuse is involved, in which I recommend taking necessary and immediate action, but for those who simply think they've "fallen out of love," or their spouse is "just lazy," I would invite you to think again. You loved them at some point. You saw them work hard during one period of time. What can you do to love them again? Can you do something to help them get back to work? Talk to them. Perhaps they are fighting unknown depression and don't want you to worry. The point is, there are things we can do to better understand our partners and there is always something we can do to try to save our marriage. Communication is, obviously, a key to success. Empathy needs to be a constant in marriage. Even going on weekly dates can help contribute to a successful marriage. In fact, going on frequent dates with your spouse could be considered vital.

I know marriage is supported by God. Turn to Him during the good and bad times of your marriage. Pray for your spouse and kids. If it is God's will (and it most likely is) your marriage will be successful and joy filled. If divorce is necessary, trust Him, and know that He will lead you to a better marriage and family if you so choose.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-a-blended-family#:~:text=Blended%20families%20provide%20children%20with,to%20teach%20and%20nurture%20children.

What a Parent Gotta Do?

My mother has been one of the most influential person in my life. She has been a citadel of faith for me and many others. Her love and compassion inspires me to be a better person. I served a mission for my church for two years after high school in the Midwest during the lockdowns of Covid-19. This was one of the hardest times of my life. It was my first time away from home, we were locked in from the virus, and I had very limited contact with my family. My mother, however, set me packages and cards. She helped me feel loved. Those simple, yet profound gestures perhaps saved my two year long mission. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from my mother and the wonderful example of a parent she is. 

  Recently, my mother went to a conference with an influential speaker. She came home and the first thing she did was give me a big, long hug. Now, my family isn't typically a "huggy" family. We don't hug each other a lot, and we like our space, so this hug was definitely a bit unusual. At this conference, however, my mom learned the benefits of longer hugs. There are multiple studies that explain the advantages of long hugs and this really influenced my mom, and it will continue to influence those that are being hugged. A couple lines from dignityhealth.org explains very well why hugs are so advantageous. "Hugging increases serotonin, a neurotransmitter known as the 'feel good' hormone that is produced and spread by neurons in the brain. Serotonin helps us feel happy, calm, and confident." 

  Compare my mom's experience with the experience of my little brother. He is a wrestler in high school, a very physical sport. There is a certain bond within my little brother's wrestling team. Even the parents seem to be close. There are several reasons why this might be, but as far as the wrestlers are concerned, I think all the touching and wrestling together helps solidify and even develops a bond. Wrestlers are in consistent contact with each other, and although this specific type of contact is not necessarily out of love, it can still create the same effects of hugging, leading them to feel like they belong and are not alone.

  It seems obvious now why a parent needs to physically interact with their child. To have this physical touch, parents need to be present and active in their children's lives. This physical touch has been proven to change and develop children's behavior. A once wild and untamed kid can turn into a controlled child from just a little more physical touch; a hug or a handshake even. 

  Not only does physical touch increase bonding and belonging, it is nearly essential for survival. Human beings are not designed to function or to be alone. According to one article, children who get little physical touch have a higher chance of having stunted growth, weaker immune systems and essentially fail to thrive. 

   So, what a parent gotta do? Hug your children! Yes, allow them to struggle a little bit. Don't be a helicopter parent, hovering over their every move, but hug them, let them lean on you when you're sitting on the couch, wrestle with them. Let them feel loved throughout all stages of childhood and even into adulthood. The benefits of hugs goes both ways. Adult children can help their parents know that they are loved too. We lack a lot of love in this world, especially in our families. We need families, so let's do what we can to help each other feel loved. As cheesy as it sounds, the lack of hugs and other forms of physical touch can lead to some serious problems throughout generations.

https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/4-facts-about-hugs-why-you-should-embrace-the-embrace

https://www.wvdhhr.org/birth23/raunewsletters/RAU7_Summer2018_PPNewsletter.pdf

     Many years ago, when I was about 14, I went on a young men's camping trip. Partway through the trip, my dad joined us. One day, the other boys went on a rafting trip. My dad isn't a fan of being on the water, so he recommended that we go on a hike to a high mountain lake instead. We were in the Colorado Rockies so full of beauty, peace, and serenity. I don't remember the hike being too long, but either way, the view was wonderful. The hike provided my dad and I the opportunity to talk about anything and everything. We talked about our favorite things, like World War Two history, and he gave me fatherly advice on ways I could improve. It was a much better experiences to be with my dad on that hike than rafting down a river. Needless to say, my dad is important to me, as a father should be for any child.

    An article by Fatherly highlights some reasons why fathers are important. I would like to mention just five things that stuck out to me from this article.

    The first is how early fatherhood can actually start. Any man can start being a good father when is doesn't even have kids yet. There are certain actions a potential father can make to increase the chances of a healthier child. For example, the article states, "Studies suggest that men who binge drink before conception are more likely to have kids with congenital heart diseases and who abuse alcohol. Poor dietary choices in men can lead to negative pregnancy outcomes." If thinking about being a father, I would consider what you do to your body that might affect your child.

    The second concept is the difference between being present and being engaged. A father can be at home, but may not be doing proper dad things. The article suggests that quantity of time with the children isn't as beneficial as that of quality of time. I know a great way to spend quality time together is by working together. Monotonous work, especially, leads to great conversations and a wonderful opportunity to just talk, just as my dad and I did during our hike to the lake. Don't just be there, be there for your children.

    The third idea is how essential a father is for a newborns and toddlers. A new father may wonder why he's so important for an infant when they are so dependent on the mother, but there are studies that show increased cognitive scores for children whose father's were engaged with them when they were one month old. It may be that fathers also tend to be not as overprotective as mothers, which can be provide the children better opportunities to learn riskier skills, specifically swimming. A child whose father is not present and engaged when they are younger shows a harder time forming good relationships later on in life. Don't make your child's future harder than it needs to be by not being there for them when they are just newborns or toddlers.

    The fourth thing is how important fathers are for daughters. This paragraph sums up why. "DelPriore suggests that daughters might learn from disengaged fathers that they shouldn’t expect men to invest meaningfully in long-term relationships, so they settle for casual flings. It’s also possible that 'daughters with disengaged fathers receive less parental monitoring and are more likely to affiliate with sexually promiscuous friends,' she says. 'On the other hand, having a father who is warm and engaged can protect against these outcomes." My sister is the only daughter in my family, and I feel like my dad and he had a beautiful, yet somewhat typical, father-daughter relationship. They spent a lot of time together and it seems clear to me that my dad loves her. A father should protect his daughter for all she is worth. Any girl deserves a loving father.

    Lastly, but not least by any means, a father needs to be a good example. Children watch their parents. Any action can be deeply recorded and integrated into a child's mind. Be a good parent. Speak kindly to everyone, show patience and love. Work hard and live a life that you will want your children to live.

    I'm grateful for my father and his example. He shows his love for all of us, especially my mother. His hard working attitude and willingness to improve is inspiring and leads us to do better. Let's all be the best parent we can be for our children.