Once upon a time...
There was a young man on a religious journey traveling with two other partners. The young man had left behind his faithful fiancé and it had been months since he'd seen her. Whilst on the journey, the young man realized his fiancé's birthday was just a few weeks away. With limited resources on his journey, he decided to send her a thoughtful letter with the perfect verse of scripture that would describe his love for her.
He spent a few days pondering and studying and couldn't come up with a scripture. He finally turned to his companions for help and one of them offered to send 1 John 4:18 which says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
This is a great scripture, the young man thought. He hurriedly finished his letter with the scripture and sent it on it's way. Miraculously, the letter appeared on the fiancé's doorstep on her birthday. She excitedly read the letter and felt her heart sink when she read the scripture her fiancé had included for her. The beloved young man had mistakenly left out the "1" in 1 John 4:18 and instead had sent John 4:18 which reads, "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly." She was livid! Why would he send her that verse? Eventually she realized that he must have meant 1 John 4:18, but she wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. In return she sent him the first line of Jeremiah 10:14, "Every man is brutish in his knowledge." Eventually the young man returned and the scripture mix-up became the running joke in their family, even long after they got married.
No matter what relationship you are trying to improve, communication is so important. We need to be thoughtful in our words, especially when communicating with our spouse. If we speak out of anger or haste, we may end up saying something the sounds "brutish," insulting our loved one and creating more tension. There is a popular method called EAR, or Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect that has been known to greatly increase the quality of communication amongst even the most struggling of couples.
For now, I just want to focus on the empathy portion of EAR. I feel like this may be the hardest part of EAR, depending on how high tensions are and how easily the partners can control their feelings. When the heat is rising in an argument, it can be hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes. So instead of putting yourself in their shoes it might be easier to take a step back.
Jocko Willink has a technique he uses for any situation. He just takes a step back. He tries to look at the situation he is in from an outsiders perspective. From there he can assess what needs to be done and then acts on that assessment. The same thing can be done in the heat of an argument. Take a step back, assess what needs to be done, and act. Use your words carefully, don't speak irrationally (you don't want a 1 John 4:18 incident) and try to understand how the other person is feeling. You love this person for a reason, don't let them feel unloved.
Be respectful and let the person you're communicating with feel respected. Think of something genuinely good to say and tell them that. Together, you can both lower your defenses and drop your weapons of attack. With simple, clear communication, issues can be resolved and a loving atmosphere restored. Truly think about what your want to say in any conversation and don't hastily take a "1" away from your 1 John 4:18.
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