Work, Work and More Work

     With the heat beating down on me, I rolled my sleeves up to my shoulders, exposing my upper arms to the sun. It was a long day, full of tedious, nearly mind-numbing work. It was so monotonous, but it paid well and I needed a job. I worked for a small fencing business, traveling to various locations to install hundreds of feet of split-rail cedar fence. We were based out of a little town in southern Idaho but the company would build fences anywhere from western Washington, Wyoming, Arizona, Utah and California. The job required us to work throughout the summer, during the hottest parts of the day in during the hottest times of the summer. Needless to say, some days were long.

    However repetitive this job was, it still is one of my favorites jobs. I loved it. I loved going out and taking several days to go build fence with my crew and suffer under the sun. Why did I like this job so much? I built a strong bond with my crew doing that monotonous work. They were my friends, or at least acquaintances, before I started working for the company, but by the end we became tight. Those guys were so fun to work with and we can joke around with each other like we can't with others. My crew boss was a goon, often messing with us other crew members. The monotony gave us the opportunity to talk, sing and sometimes even dance.

    This principle of working together is important for businesses and teams, but it is almost vital for better quality family relationships. There was an article published by BYU Magazine called "Family Work," which emphasizes the need for tedious work in a family setting. This quote sums up some great benefits of family work. "Helping one another nurture children, care for the land, prepare food, and clean homes can bind lives together. This is the power of family work, and it is this power, available in every home, no matter how troubled, that can end the turmoil of the family, [and] begin to change the world." As with my fencing job, family work, especially the boring work, provides a wonderful opportunity for family members to talk and build a great bond together. What does work look like to the family in this world so full of technology that does much of our work for us?

    I had the privilege to grow up in rural settings, providing various forms of work, such as pulling weeds, fixing fence, or cleaning out stalls. A lot of this work was done with my siblings and we have some pretty fun stories from these chores. However, not everyone has to clean out stalls, so some other ways a family can work together are simple. Cleaning the living room, cooking dinner, and folding laundry are still great methods of work that can bring family members closer together. It may not be the most exciting work, but that isn't the point. In fact, if the work is too complicated, the focus moves from the person to the work itself.

    Being able to work is a huge blessing. Being able to work together is an even bigger blessing. There are too many people in today's world that don't want to work, especially with others because they feel it will be easier to accomplish the task by oneself. Don't miss out on the opportunities to work together and help form an inseparable bond. Of course, there are other wonderful ways to grow close, but make everyday, boring tasks much more exciting by involving others, especially those you love. Good things take effort, so work for the relationships you want and you will find improvement in the quality of your relationships.

Don't Take the "1" Away From 1 John 4:18

 Once upon a time...

There was a young man on a religious journey traveling with two other partners. The young man had left behind his faithful fiancé and it had been months since he'd seen her. Whilst on the journey, the young man realized his fiancé's birthday was just a few weeks away. With limited resources on his journey, he decided to send her a thoughtful letter with the perfect verse of scripture that would describe his love for her.

He spent a few days pondering and studying and couldn't come up with a scripture. He finally turned to his companions for help and one of them offered to send 1 John 4:18 which says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

This is a great scripture, the young man thought. He hurriedly finished his letter with the scripture and sent it on it's way. Miraculously, the letter appeared on the fiancé's doorstep on her birthday. She excitedly read the letter and felt her heart sink when she read the scripture her fiancé had included for her. The beloved young man had mistakenly left out the "1" in 1 John 4:18 and instead had sent John 4:18 which reads, "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly." She was livid! Why would he send her that verse? Eventually she realized that he must have meant 1 John 4:18, but she wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. In return she sent him the first line of Jeremiah 10:14, "Every man is brutish in his knowledge." Eventually the young man returned and the scripture mix-up became the running joke in their family, even long after they got married.

No matter what relationship you are trying to improve, communication is so important. We need to be thoughtful in our words, especially when communicating with our spouse. If we speak out of anger or haste, we may end up saying something the sounds "brutish," insulting our loved one and creating more tension. There is a popular method called EAR, or Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect that has been known to greatly increase the quality of communication amongst even the most struggling of couples.

For now, I just want to focus on the empathy portion of EAR. I feel like this may be the hardest part of EAR, depending on how high tensions are and how easily the partners can control their feelings. When the heat is rising in an argument, it can be hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes. So instead of putting yourself in their shoes it might be easier to take a step back.

Jocko Willink has a technique he uses for any situation. He just takes a step back. He tries to look at the situation he is in from an outsiders perspective. From there he can assess what needs to be done and then acts on that assessment. The same thing can be done in the heat of an argument. Take a step back, assess what needs to be done, and act. Use your words carefully, don't speak irrationally (you don't want a 1 John 4:18 incident) and try to understand how the other person is feeling. You love this person for a reason, don't let them feel unloved.

Be respectful and let the person you're communicating with feel respected. Think of something genuinely good to say and tell them that. Together, you can both lower your defenses and drop your weapons of attack. With simple, clear communication, issues can be resolved and a loving atmosphere restored. Truly think about what your want to say in any conversation and don't hastily take a "1" away from your 1 John 4:18.

Overcoming Life's Crises

 I recently read a book called "Unbroken." It focuses on the story of Louie Zamperini, a bombardier during World War Two who gets captured by the Japanese. He, along with thousands of other prisoners of war (POWs), suffered through years of hazing, beatings, and other forms of abuse. Some Americans were gone from home nearly four years. Louie, who suffered especially bad, was gone about two and a half years. The military even declared him dead. When Louie did eventually make it home, his family and friends were, of course, overjoyed to see him alive and well.

    However joyous the reunion, there were consequences. The Zamperini family, and thousands of other families, had suffered through perhaps the biggest family crisis any of them had yet to deal with. Not only did families lose fathers, brothers and sons for years, many of them never made it home. Those men that did make it home were never the same again. Often, the former POWs fell into dark chasms of depression, anxiety and relied heavily on alcohol to cope with their war experiences. This caused a "pile up" of crises, with one crisis leading or causing another. A family watching a loved one head to war is a crisis on it's own, but that could lead the loved one to a prisoner of war camp which caused horrendous PTSD, which lead to alcoholism when they finally did make it home. The alcohol caused more crises, sometimes fueling abuse of other family members, particularly the spouse. So, when the family thought the war was over, some other crises were just starting. How did these families cope with this? What is the best way to deal with crises and the other problems that followed?

    There are numerous ways to properly cope with crises, no matter what it is. One appropriate way I would like to address is that of religious support. In Louie's case, this is the coping method that saved his life and his marriage. Nearly four years after the war, Louie agreed to join his wife in listening to a Billy Graham sermon. Billy Graham was a very strong evangelists that led many to God. He reminded Louie that Louie had made a promise to God that he would serve Him if Louie survived the war. This pushed Louie to stop drinking and eventually help turn other people's lives around for the better. Instead of the pile-up crises destroying Louie's life, he turned towards religion and found exponential growth there. Something else, religion, had filled the pit of alcoholism Louie was falling in.

    An article from the American Psychological Association mentions how religion is making an impact on others, specifically when the world was enduring quarantine from Covid-19. " Religion and belief are now seen by many researchers and clinicians as an important way to cope with trauma and distress thanks to research over the last three decades." It goes on to say, "People who made more use of positive religious coping methods had better outcomes than those who struggled with God, their faith or other people about sacred matters." Of course, this research supports Louie's coping method. When life seems to be overwhelming we can replace our bad behavior in life with good, fulfilling behavior, which religion often provides opportunities for.

    Belonging to a religion will not only provide good behavior opportunities, but it enables an individual to exercise faith. Faith can be developed in one's God or even oneself. We need to be confident in our abilities to overcome anything this life throws our way. We are powerful beings with powerful potential. If Louie Zamperini can survive a plane crash, 47 days on a life raft, multiple prisoner of war camps, and beat alcoholism, we can overcome any crisis that is thrown our way.

Intimacy; Why It's Important in a Marriage

 Why is sex important? Is it okay to have sex just for pleasure? Should you only have sex when you just want children? Many people might have questions like this. I've heard rumors that some people, especially those of my faith, that it is only okay to have sex when you plan on having children to create your family. Aside from their own personal beliefs, it's important for a married couple to have sexual intimacy when they don't plan on having children just yet. I believe that sex is a very sacred topic so I wish to include same sacred thoughts that I hope will help solidify the importance of having a healthy sexual experience with your spouse.

We know that sex brings pleasure to both spouses involved. While this might be just fine, a more meaningful type of pleasure is helping your spouse feel pleasure rather than focusing on yourself. Sex shouldn't be selfish nor instill pride. It is an experience shared between two people who love each other and want what is best for the other.

The Bible includes a verse (Genesis 2:24) mentioning why sex is so important between a husband a wife. It mentions, "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall be one flesh." I want to break the phrase, "one in flesh" down. The importance of "one in flesh" is the unifying principle of being one. Sex can be unifying and, done with the right mindset, can create a bond stronger than any other human-made bond.

This is where intimacy comes into play. A way to break down the phrase "one in flesh" is to look at the word "one" relating to the word intimacy and "flesh" relating to sex. Sex and intimacy have different meanings. Sex for sex's sake is nothing. It is a pleasure of the flesh and not much else. It is meaningless and provides but temporary pleasure. However, intimacy can be strengthened from sex, though intimacy itself is not sex. Intimacy is the true bond that makes sex important in a marriage. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and unity. A couple can still be one and not have any sexual interaction, though intimacy is greatly strengthened from sex.

So if you only want to have sex when you want kids, you can still feel close to your spouse. You are still one, though not necessarily "one in the flesh" until the marriage is consummated. But, even then, why is it important to be one with your spouse?

Your spouse is your partner for at least the rest of your life. if truly devoted, they help provide emotional, mental and even spiritual stability. That is if they are truly devoted to each other. No one wants to feel betrayed or loved less. However, infidelity seems to a growing issue. There are numerous types of affairs, including emotional affairs. It is necessary that a couple not allow friends or others to get too involved in their marriage. If others do get too involved, one or both spouses can get emotionally attached to the other person outside of the marriage. This emotional attachment could even potentially lead to a sexual affair, thus separating the marriage bond even more. Heartache lies in wait for those whose marriages are infected by betrayal.

When intimacy is strong between a couple, strengthened by sex, the chances of infidelity are less. The love for your spouse only increases as you become one in the flesh, involving both intimacy and sex. Greater happiness lies in focusing on your spouse and making sure they feel safe and secure. When you are one, they will make sure you feel the same way.

Waiting to Marry is a Good Thing Right? Not Quite.

     How many of us have heard, "I want to finish school before I get married," or "We don't want to get married until he gets a higher paying job?" I think we've all heard comments like this from couples that have yet to get married. I want to be clear that waiting to marry isn't bad, in fact, for some it may be a good thing. I don't necessarily want people to get married a month after they marry each other too. There is a balance that may lead to a more satisfying and successful marriage. I want to talk about the two extremes of marrying to soon and then marrying too late in life.

    I know of a very successful couple who have been married for fifty-five years, have six kids, several grandkids and even a few great-grand kids. This couple was engaged three days after they met each other. This shows that for some people, it does work out to get married real soon after meeting each other. However, many people get divorced because they didn't know who they were marrying. This is why it's important not to skip any of the steps leading to marriage (dating, courting, engagement, and marriage). When you date around, you start to figure out the type of person you want to be with. Courting forms a much deeper, meaningful relationship and you start to understand who that person is. During the engagement period you learn to make decisions together, furthering your understanding of who you're going to marry. These stages take time, preferably months, rather than days. When people marry too soon, they're denying themselves an opportunity to truly get to know this person they believe is their significant other. So why not wait to marry then?

    Think of some milestones in your life, such as your first soccer game you won, or your baptism, or your high school graduation. Who was present for those milestones? Most likely your family. Completing milestones like these create unifying experiences. Think of how happy your parents were when you were baptized. How big were their smiles when you received your diploma? They supported you because they love you, and seeing you accomplish such things only deepen that love. Essentially, the same thing happens when your significant other is involved in later life milestones, like graduating college. If you waited to marry, you wouldn't be sharing important milestones as a married couple, unifying your relationship. Pushing off marriage to accomplish such milestones instead is also a sign of low commitment to each other. In a way, your telling your partner that you'd rather put these things before them. Those things take a higher priority over the person you're supposed to be loving. Don't put your career above your spouse. You may be setting yourself up for an unsuccessful marriage.

    So, there is period in life which may lead to more benefits if you choose to get married during that time. You want to get to know your partner, which may take several months, depending on how much quality time you spend together. You also don't want to miss out on their accomplishments, nor have them miss our on yours. Not only are these experiences unifying, by being there for them, it shows you are committed to being with them. I am not saying that if you miss out on these milestones your marriage will fail. It just provides the opportunity to strengthen your relationship. There are many other things you can do to strengthen your marriage, but experiencing accomplishments together is one way.

     If you happen to meet later in life, or miss other opportunities to strengthen marriage, there is an almost foolproof way to come closer together. Turn to God. If it is God's will, He will bless your marriage as you turn to Him. Look for opportunities to come closer to God as a couple, and His unifying spirit will be with you.