The Family

 I understand how much struggle a family goes through. I have been very blessed with a good family; loving parents and caring siblings. I have many wonderful memories with each family member and with the family as a whole.

However, we have not been spared from family struggles, especially the pains of divorce. After 6 years, one of my siblings is still fighting through the residual effects of divorce and child custody ordeals. After remarrying, my sibling is now an active and involved parent of a "blended family." While being part of a blended family might lead to more difficulties in the family life, are there any benefits to a blended family? Or rather, what good can come from remarrying and joining families together? What can be done to help ease the struggles that naturally come from blended families?

One benefit for joining multiple families together is the amount of loving adults in child's life. Instead of having the typical 4 grandparents, the child(ren) now have 6 caring grandparents. The amount of aunts and uncles and cousins increase. Though they may not be blood-related, they can still be considered family and learn to love the child(ren) that are especially hurting because of the divorce their parents went through.

Of course, this only makes a difference to the child(ren) if the adults have the right attitude and mindset. One of the most important things to remember, for any marriage not just blended families, is that your mindset and way you think can affect the outcome. If I tell myself my marriage is lame, then it will be lame. If I tell myself that my marriage is wonderful, then it will be wonderful. This applies to any part of our life, but family is a huge part of life. If we remarry and are struggling with connecting with our non-biological kids, it will help to change the way we talk and think about them. Instead of acting like a connected parent, try taking on the role of a cool aunt or uncle. Don't be so controlling, but be a somewhat influential and caring adult in their life. It also helps to be patient. Consciously work on being patient. Don't get upset or agitated if things don't seem "normal" after marriage. It usually takes about two years for things to return to a sort of "normalcy" after the remarriage. This allows for everyone to experience two Christmases, two birthdays for each person, two of everything together. So, don't be afraid or impatient if things aren't feeling normal after a few months. Things won't ever be the same, of course, but with the right mindset, things can even be better than what they once were for both families involved.

I hope that families, especially those that are struggling with divorce, can recognize the blessings that come from the family. Studies show that 70% of divorced people said they could have and should have saved their marriage. We all go through struggles both as individuals and as whole families. I hope that couples and families can realize their strength to save their marriage. There are the exceptions when abuse is involved, in which I recommend taking necessary and immediate action, but for those who simply think they've "fallen out of love," or their spouse is "just lazy," I would invite you to think again. You loved them at some point. You saw them work hard during one period of time. What can you do to love them again? Can you do something to help them get back to work? Talk to them. Perhaps they are fighting unknown depression and don't want you to worry. The point is, there are things we can do to better understand our partners and there is always something we can do to try to save our marriage. Communication is, obviously, a key to success. Empathy needs to be a constant in marriage. Even going on weekly dates can help contribute to a successful marriage. In fact, going on frequent dates with your spouse could be considered vital.

I know marriage is supported by God. Turn to Him during the good and bad times of your marriage. Pray for your spouse and kids. If it is God's will (and it most likely is) your marriage will be successful and joy filled. If divorce is necessary, trust Him, and know that He will lead you to a better marriage and family if you so choose.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-a-blended-family#:~:text=Blended%20families%20provide%20children%20with,to%20teach%20and%20nurture%20children.

What a Parent Gotta Do?

My mother has been one of the most influential person in my life. She has been a citadel of faith for me and many others. Her love and compassion inspires me to be a better person. I served a mission for my church for two years after high school in the Midwest during the lockdowns of Covid-19. This was one of the hardest times of my life. It was my first time away from home, we were locked in from the virus, and I had very limited contact with my family. My mother, however, set me packages and cards. She helped me feel loved. Those simple, yet profound gestures perhaps saved my two year long mission. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from my mother and the wonderful example of a parent she is. 

  Recently, my mother went to a conference with an influential speaker. She came home and the first thing she did was give me a big, long hug. Now, my family isn't typically a "huggy" family. We don't hug each other a lot, and we like our space, so this hug was definitely a bit unusual. At this conference, however, my mom learned the benefits of longer hugs. There are multiple studies that explain the advantages of long hugs and this really influenced my mom, and it will continue to influence those that are being hugged. A couple lines from dignityhealth.org explains very well why hugs are so advantageous. "Hugging increases serotonin, a neurotransmitter known as the 'feel good' hormone that is produced and spread by neurons in the brain. Serotonin helps us feel happy, calm, and confident." 

  Compare my mom's experience with the experience of my little brother. He is a wrestler in high school, a very physical sport. There is a certain bond within my little brother's wrestling team. Even the parents seem to be close. There are several reasons why this might be, but as far as the wrestlers are concerned, I think all the touching and wrestling together helps solidify and even develops a bond. Wrestlers are in consistent contact with each other, and although this specific type of contact is not necessarily out of love, it can still create the same effects of hugging, leading them to feel like they belong and are not alone.

  It seems obvious now why a parent needs to physically interact with their child. To have this physical touch, parents need to be present and active in their children's lives. This physical touch has been proven to change and develop children's behavior. A once wild and untamed kid can turn into a controlled child from just a little more physical touch; a hug or a handshake even. 

  Not only does physical touch increase bonding and belonging, it is nearly essential for survival. Human beings are not designed to function or to be alone. According to one article, children who get little physical touch have a higher chance of having stunted growth, weaker immune systems and essentially fail to thrive. 

   So, what a parent gotta do? Hug your children! Yes, allow them to struggle a little bit. Don't be a helicopter parent, hovering over their every move, but hug them, let them lean on you when you're sitting on the couch, wrestle with them. Let them feel loved throughout all stages of childhood and even into adulthood. The benefits of hugs goes both ways. Adult children can help their parents know that they are loved too. We lack a lot of love in this world, especially in our families. We need families, so let's do what we can to help each other feel loved. As cheesy as it sounds, the lack of hugs and other forms of physical touch can lead to some serious problems throughout generations.

https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/4-facts-about-hugs-why-you-should-embrace-the-embrace

https://www.wvdhhr.org/birth23/raunewsletters/RAU7_Summer2018_PPNewsletter.pdf

     Many years ago, when I was about 14, I went on a young men's camping trip. Partway through the trip, my dad joined us. One day, the other boys went on a rafting trip. My dad isn't a fan of being on the water, so he recommended that we go on a hike to a high mountain lake instead. We were in the Colorado Rockies so full of beauty, peace, and serenity. I don't remember the hike being too long, but either way, the view was wonderful. The hike provided my dad and I the opportunity to talk about anything and everything. We talked about our favorite things, like World War Two history, and he gave me fatherly advice on ways I could improve. It was a much better experiences to be with my dad on that hike than rafting down a river. Needless to say, my dad is important to me, as a father should be for any child.

    An article by Fatherly highlights some reasons why fathers are important. I would like to mention just five things that stuck out to me from this article.

    The first is how early fatherhood can actually start. Any man can start being a good father when is doesn't even have kids yet. There are certain actions a potential father can make to increase the chances of a healthier child. For example, the article states, "Studies suggest that men who binge drink before conception are more likely to have kids with congenital heart diseases and who abuse alcohol. Poor dietary choices in men can lead to negative pregnancy outcomes." If thinking about being a father, I would consider what you do to your body that might affect your child.

    The second concept is the difference between being present and being engaged. A father can be at home, but may not be doing proper dad things. The article suggests that quantity of time with the children isn't as beneficial as that of quality of time. I know a great way to spend quality time together is by working together. Monotonous work, especially, leads to great conversations and a wonderful opportunity to just talk, just as my dad and I did during our hike to the lake. Don't just be there, be there for your children.

    The third idea is how essential a father is for a newborns and toddlers. A new father may wonder why he's so important for an infant when they are so dependent on the mother, but there are studies that show increased cognitive scores for children whose father's were engaged with them when they were one month old. It may be that fathers also tend to be not as overprotective as mothers, which can be provide the children better opportunities to learn riskier skills, specifically swimming. A child whose father is not present and engaged when they are younger shows a harder time forming good relationships later on in life. Don't make your child's future harder than it needs to be by not being there for them when they are just newborns or toddlers.

    The fourth thing is how important fathers are for daughters. This paragraph sums up why. "DelPriore suggests that daughters might learn from disengaged fathers that they shouldn’t expect men to invest meaningfully in long-term relationships, so they settle for casual flings. It’s also possible that 'daughters with disengaged fathers receive less parental monitoring and are more likely to affiliate with sexually promiscuous friends,' she says. 'On the other hand, having a father who is warm and engaged can protect against these outcomes." My sister is the only daughter in my family, and I feel like my dad and he had a beautiful, yet somewhat typical, father-daughter relationship. They spent a lot of time together and it seems clear to me that my dad loves her. A father should protect his daughter for all she is worth. Any girl deserves a loving father.

    Lastly, but not least by any means, a father needs to be a good example. Children watch their parents. Any action can be deeply recorded and integrated into a child's mind. Be a good parent. Speak kindly to everyone, show patience and love. Work hard and live a life that you will want your children to live.

    I'm grateful for my father and his example. He shows his love for all of us, especially my mother. His hard working attitude and willingness to improve is inspiring and leads us to do better. Let's all be the best parent we can be for our children.

Work, Work and More Work

     With the heat beating down on me, I rolled my sleeves up to my shoulders, exposing my upper arms to the sun. It was a long day, full of tedious, nearly mind-numbing work. It was so monotonous, but it paid well and I needed a job. I worked for a small fencing business, traveling to various locations to install hundreds of feet of split-rail cedar fence. We were based out of a little town in southern Idaho but the company would build fences anywhere from western Washington, Wyoming, Arizona, Utah and California. The job required us to work throughout the summer, during the hottest parts of the day in during the hottest times of the summer. Needless to say, some days were long.

    However repetitive this job was, it still is one of my favorites jobs. I loved it. I loved going out and taking several days to go build fence with my crew and suffer under the sun. Why did I like this job so much? I built a strong bond with my crew doing that monotonous work. They were my friends, or at least acquaintances, before I started working for the company, but by the end we became tight. Those guys were so fun to work with and we can joke around with each other like we can't with others. My crew boss was a goon, often messing with us other crew members. The monotony gave us the opportunity to talk, sing and sometimes even dance.

    This principle of working together is important for businesses and teams, but it is almost vital for better quality family relationships. There was an article published by BYU Magazine called "Family Work," which emphasizes the need for tedious work in a family setting. This quote sums up some great benefits of family work. "Helping one another nurture children, care for the land, prepare food, and clean homes can bind lives together. This is the power of family work, and it is this power, available in every home, no matter how troubled, that can end the turmoil of the family, [and] begin to change the world." As with my fencing job, family work, especially the boring work, provides a wonderful opportunity for family members to talk and build a great bond together. What does work look like to the family in this world so full of technology that does much of our work for us?

    I had the privilege to grow up in rural settings, providing various forms of work, such as pulling weeds, fixing fence, or cleaning out stalls. A lot of this work was done with my siblings and we have some pretty fun stories from these chores. However, not everyone has to clean out stalls, so some other ways a family can work together are simple. Cleaning the living room, cooking dinner, and folding laundry are still great methods of work that can bring family members closer together. It may not be the most exciting work, but that isn't the point. In fact, if the work is too complicated, the focus moves from the person to the work itself.

    Being able to work is a huge blessing. Being able to work together is an even bigger blessing. There are too many people in today's world that don't want to work, especially with others because they feel it will be easier to accomplish the task by oneself. Don't miss out on the opportunities to work together and help form an inseparable bond. Of course, there are other wonderful ways to grow close, but make everyday, boring tasks much more exciting by involving others, especially those you love. Good things take effort, so work for the relationships you want and you will find improvement in the quality of your relationships.

Don't Take the "1" Away From 1 John 4:18

 Once upon a time...

There was a young man on a religious journey traveling with two other partners. The young man had left behind his faithful fiancé and it had been months since he'd seen her. Whilst on the journey, the young man realized his fiancé's birthday was just a few weeks away. With limited resources on his journey, he decided to send her a thoughtful letter with the perfect verse of scripture that would describe his love for her.

He spent a few days pondering and studying and couldn't come up with a scripture. He finally turned to his companions for help and one of them offered to send 1 John 4:18 which says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

This is a great scripture, the young man thought. He hurriedly finished his letter with the scripture and sent it on it's way. Miraculously, the letter appeared on the fiancé's doorstep on her birthday. She excitedly read the letter and felt her heart sink when she read the scripture her fiancé had included for her. The beloved young man had mistakenly left out the "1" in 1 John 4:18 and instead had sent John 4:18 which reads, "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly." She was livid! Why would he send her that verse? Eventually she realized that he must have meant 1 John 4:18, but she wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. In return she sent him the first line of Jeremiah 10:14, "Every man is brutish in his knowledge." Eventually the young man returned and the scripture mix-up became the running joke in their family, even long after they got married.

No matter what relationship you are trying to improve, communication is so important. We need to be thoughtful in our words, especially when communicating with our spouse. If we speak out of anger or haste, we may end up saying something the sounds "brutish," insulting our loved one and creating more tension. There is a popular method called EAR, or Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect that has been known to greatly increase the quality of communication amongst even the most struggling of couples.

For now, I just want to focus on the empathy portion of EAR. I feel like this may be the hardest part of EAR, depending on how high tensions are and how easily the partners can control their feelings. When the heat is rising in an argument, it can be hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes. So instead of putting yourself in their shoes it might be easier to take a step back.

Jocko Willink has a technique he uses for any situation. He just takes a step back. He tries to look at the situation he is in from an outsiders perspective. From there he can assess what needs to be done and then acts on that assessment. The same thing can be done in the heat of an argument. Take a step back, assess what needs to be done, and act. Use your words carefully, don't speak irrationally (you don't want a 1 John 4:18 incident) and try to understand how the other person is feeling. You love this person for a reason, don't let them feel unloved.

Be respectful and let the person you're communicating with feel respected. Think of something genuinely good to say and tell them that. Together, you can both lower your defenses and drop your weapons of attack. With simple, clear communication, issues can be resolved and a loving atmosphere restored. Truly think about what your want to say in any conversation and don't hastily take a "1" away from your 1 John 4:18.

Overcoming Life's Crises

 I recently read a book called "Unbroken." It focuses on the story of Louie Zamperini, a bombardier during World War Two who gets captured by the Japanese. He, along with thousands of other prisoners of war (POWs), suffered through years of hazing, beatings, and other forms of abuse. Some Americans were gone from home nearly four years. Louie, who suffered especially bad, was gone about two and a half years. The military even declared him dead. When Louie did eventually make it home, his family and friends were, of course, overjoyed to see him alive and well.

    However joyous the reunion, there were consequences. The Zamperini family, and thousands of other families, had suffered through perhaps the biggest family crisis any of them had yet to deal with. Not only did families lose fathers, brothers and sons for years, many of them never made it home. Those men that did make it home were never the same again. Often, the former POWs fell into dark chasms of depression, anxiety and relied heavily on alcohol to cope with their war experiences. This caused a "pile up" of crises, with one crisis leading or causing another. A family watching a loved one head to war is a crisis on it's own, but that could lead the loved one to a prisoner of war camp which caused horrendous PTSD, which lead to alcoholism when they finally did make it home. The alcohol caused more crises, sometimes fueling abuse of other family members, particularly the spouse. So, when the family thought the war was over, some other crises were just starting. How did these families cope with this? What is the best way to deal with crises and the other problems that followed?

    There are numerous ways to properly cope with crises, no matter what it is. One appropriate way I would like to address is that of religious support. In Louie's case, this is the coping method that saved his life and his marriage. Nearly four years after the war, Louie agreed to join his wife in listening to a Billy Graham sermon. Billy Graham was a very strong evangelists that led many to God. He reminded Louie that Louie had made a promise to God that he would serve Him if Louie survived the war. This pushed Louie to stop drinking and eventually help turn other people's lives around for the better. Instead of the pile-up crises destroying Louie's life, he turned towards religion and found exponential growth there. Something else, religion, had filled the pit of alcoholism Louie was falling in.

    An article from the American Psychological Association mentions how religion is making an impact on others, specifically when the world was enduring quarantine from Covid-19. " Religion and belief are now seen by many researchers and clinicians as an important way to cope with trauma and distress thanks to research over the last three decades." It goes on to say, "People who made more use of positive religious coping methods had better outcomes than those who struggled with God, their faith or other people about sacred matters." Of course, this research supports Louie's coping method. When life seems to be overwhelming we can replace our bad behavior in life with good, fulfilling behavior, which religion often provides opportunities for.

    Belonging to a religion will not only provide good behavior opportunities, but it enables an individual to exercise faith. Faith can be developed in one's God or even oneself. We need to be confident in our abilities to overcome anything this life throws our way. We are powerful beings with powerful potential. If Louie Zamperini can survive a plane crash, 47 days on a life raft, multiple prisoner of war camps, and beat alcoholism, we can overcome any crisis that is thrown our way.

Intimacy; Why It's Important in a Marriage

 Why is sex important? Is it okay to have sex just for pleasure? Should you only have sex when you just want children? Many people might have questions like this. I've heard rumors that some people, especially those of my faith, that it is only okay to have sex when you plan on having children to create your family. Aside from their own personal beliefs, it's important for a married couple to have sexual intimacy when they don't plan on having children just yet. I believe that sex is a very sacred topic so I wish to include same sacred thoughts that I hope will help solidify the importance of having a healthy sexual experience with your spouse.

We know that sex brings pleasure to both spouses involved. While this might be just fine, a more meaningful type of pleasure is helping your spouse feel pleasure rather than focusing on yourself. Sex shouldn't be selfish nor instill pride. It is an experience shared between two people who love each other and want what is best for the other.

The Bible includes a verse (Genesis 2:24) mentioning why sex is so important between a husband a wife. It mentions, "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall be one flesh." I want to break the phrase, "one in flesh" down. The importance of "one in flesh" is the unifying principle of being one. Sex can be unifying and, done with the right mindset, can create a bond stronger than any other human-made bond.

This is where intimacy comes into play. A way to break down the phrase "one in flesh" is to look at the word "one" relating to the word intimacy and "flesh" relating to sex. Sex and intimacy have different meanings. Sex for sex's sake is nothing. It is a pleasure of the flesh and not much else. It is meaningless and provides but temporary pleasure. However, intimacy can be strengthened from sex, though intimacy itself is not sex. Intimacy is the true bond that makes sex important in a marriage. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and unity. A couple can still be one and not have any sexual interaction, though intimacy is greatly strengthened from sex.

So if you only want to have sex when you want kids, you can still feel close to your spouse. You are still one, though not necessarily "one in the flesh" until the marriage is consummated. But, even then, why is it important to be one with your spouse?

Your spouse is your partner for at least the rest of your life. if truly devoted, they help provide emotional, mental and even spiritual stability. That is if they are truly devoted to each other. No one wants to feel betrayed or loved less. However, infidelity seems to a growing issue. There are numerous types of affairs, including emotional affairs. It is necessary that a couple not allow friends or others to get too involved in their marriage. If others do get too involved, one or both spouses can get emotionally attached to the other person outside of the marriage. This emotional attachment could even potentially lead to a sexual affair, thus separating the marriage bond even more. Heartache lies in wait for those whose marriages are infected by betrayal.

When intimacy is strong between a couple, strengthened by sex, the chances of infidelity are less. The love for your spouse only increases as you become one in the flesh, involving both intimacy and sex. Greater happiness lies in focusing on your spouse and making sure they feel safe and secure. When you are one, they will make sure you feel the same way.